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Crew Jokes
Mark Simon (OvrExpose1@aol.com)
During a re-lighting the DP and the Camera Operator end up arguing. The DP says sex is 90% work and only 10% pleasure. The Operator argues the opposite: 70% work and 30% pleasure. They can't agree, so seek a 3rd party to arbitrate. The only person around is the Loader doing coffee rounds. They ask him his opinion. He gets their permission to speak freely. And so he says:"Well, if you really ask my opinion, I'd say it's all pleasure, for if there was any work connected with it, you'd have me doing it!"
A Panaflex mag comes back at the end of a feature with the word "chatters" in big red letters on camera tape stuck to the mag. As soon as the check-in techs open the magazine they hear the chattering noise. It is a pair of those wind up teeth, chattering away. Steven Gladstone (Veenotph@aol.com)
How tall is a sound recordist? What do sound man's children do for fun? How can you tell when a teamster is dead? What was the last thing Jesus said to the Teamsters ? What's the difference between a producer and a coconut? How can you tell that a producer is lying? What is the difference between a DP & God? How do you get the attention of four aspiring actors?
How do you know who is in a dark closet with a bowling ball? -If he breaks it, it's a grip. If he loses it, it's a prop person. And if he tries to screw it, it's a producer. Allen / soundbyte@sound-by-design.com
Years ago, we were shooting a PR film about an almost on line nuke power plant. We were loading onto the reactor's fuelling floor [where we had to step over these long wood boxes, only to find out these are the shipping cases for the reactor's "plutonium rods"!], every item, and I mean every item had to be listed on a security sheet as we passes through the security gate. The grips had to count every clothes pin on their belt, and if anything was accidentally left off the list yet brought onto the floor, it had to be left behind, no excuses [I guess this prevented the grips from taking any plutonium rods out!]. I was the 2nd AC and was rolling a magliner through the gate and verbally giving the old security guard a list of the gear, when I got to "baby legs and baby leg spreaders", the old guy just stopped in his tracks, looked up to me and said, "Yeah... right! Enough of this bullshit!" He thought I was trying to play him as a fool, especially just after the grips recently passed through the same gate with a dozen "nook lights, pigeon plates and cookies!" Jeff 'put a double 1/2 scrim with
the home run' Barklage
When I was a student I had the opportunity to watch Ivan Strasburg light a shoot with Mike McShane (a very large Canadian comedian). Half way through the afternoon the gaffer brought me a polaroid camera, of the sort that feed the picture out of the front as soon as the picture is taken, and told me that the make up artist had asked him to take a still of Mr McShane, but that he didn't feel he had the necessary photographic skill to do the job properly, and would I mind? Of course I was only too pleased to help, and so I took the camera and asked Mr McShane to come and stand in the light to get a good likeness. Just before I took the picture the gaffer reminded me that the picture needed to be a biggish close-up, so I leant a little closer and pressed the button. Out of the camera, right in Mr McShane's face appeared a big close up alright, but of the gaffer's hairy, and very white, arse. Mr McShane looked closely at it for a couple of seconds before muttering "Damn, these British makeup artists can't do anything right. The script says I'm supposed to have a tan." Chris Merry (lahmucon@classic.msn.com)
I once did a picture with a DP who shot an excessive amount of Polaroids
for every scene in the movie. Bored with this practice, I took a white
show card and wrote in big bold letters TRY 2.8 Mark Simon (OvrExpose1@aol.com)
I heard a gaffer buddy of mine explain it to an extra one time: "Outside there's a big box on a truck. It's full of light. The light runs through these hoses and shoots out of the fixtures. My job is to make sure a kink doesn't develop in the hose 'cause it will swell up and explode, and light will go everywhere." DMan
On a BBC drama series, there was one particular actor who insisted on always looking through the camera, much to the annoyance of the DP. We cured this one by closing the shutter and smearing the eyepiece with black makeup. Obviously, he couldn't see a thing so I explained that you had to rotate the eyepiece to open the shutter... He went through a complete rehearsal, no realizing while the whole crew - including the director - were killing themselves laughing at him. Brian Rose / xrr51@dial.pipex.com
A Producer and the Pope died at the same time, and showed up at the pearly gates together. St Peter says to both of them, "Glad to see you. Come on in and see where your heavenly home is." So they go inside and walk along the golden path to an area where there are glorious palaces on both sides of the street. St, Peter points to the most beautiful of them and says to the Producer, "Here's your place. Have a nice eternity," and he and the Pope continue to walk along the road. After a couple of miles the gold road turns to cement, and the palaces turn to 4 bedroom estates, and they keep walking. A mile more, and the road turns into black top, and the houses become bungalows. A mile more, and the road turns to dirt, and the houses to hovels. St. Peter stops in front of the meanest, dirtiest hovel and says to the Pope, "Here's your heavenly home." The Pope goes understandably upset, saying, "What do you mean? You gave that other guy a palace, and me you stick with a shack?" St. Peter says, "Obviously you don't understand. We've got lots of Popes. That's the first Producer we've had." Bill Stock / wstock@staff.uwsuper.edu
How many sound recordists does it take to change a light bulb? How many 1st AD's does it take to change a light bulb? How many Teamsters does it take to change a light bulb? How many writers does it take to change a light bulb? How many producers does it take to change a light bulb? How many Assistant Directors does it take to change a light bulb?
How many editors does it take to change a light bulb? Tommy Martin
In 1960 it took Roger Corman two days to shoot "The Little Shop of Horrors." If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted?
In the beginning was the Idea. And then came the Story Outlines. And the Story Outlines were without form. And the Idea was without substance. And darkness was upon the face of the Writers. And they spoke among themselves, saying, "It is a crock of shit, and it stinks." And the Writers went unto the Directors and said, "It is a pail of dung, and we can't live with the smell." And the Directors went unto their Producers, saying, "It is a container of excrement, and it is very strong, such that none may abide by it." And the Producers went unto their Studio Heads, saying, "It is a vessel of fertilizer, and none may abide its strength." And the Studio Heads spoke among themselves, saying to one another, "It contains that which aids plant growth, and it is very strong." And the Studio Heads went to the Vice Presidents, saying unto them, "It promotes growth, and it is very powerful." And the Vice Presidents went to the President, saying unto him, "This new idea will actively promote the growth and vigour of the studio with very powerful effects." And the President looked upon the Idea and saw that it was good. And the Idea became a Movie. And this is how shit happens. My favourite story is about Antarctic explorer and photographer/cinematographer
Frank Hurley. In 1932, shooting newsreel footage in Canberra for Cinesound
News, he told his assistant "Never mind the camera, just fix your
eyes on the lake. Don't look away for a second." (Author preferred to remain anonymous)
One day while filming outside in a park, we were all ready to roll.
I had the shot lined up, the actors were in place, composition was
nice. Except the sun wasn't where I wanted it to be. I knew that moving
the camera and resetting the shot would just take too much time. So
I leaned over, and asked my gaffer if I could borrow his gloves, as
I had left mine home. Realizing what I wanted them for, he paused
for a moment as they were brand new and he didn't want them burned.
At this point the Key grip caught on to what I wanted, put his gloves
on and proceeded to reach up to the sky to move the sun to the left
for me. Well the three of them went off into a corner to discuss it. By this time the sun had moved to where I wanted it to be. I signalled the director we were ready. We rolled the camera, took the shot, and the A.D. called lunch. Steven Gladstone / Veenotph@aol.com says
it is a true story from Peter Yolles
I was operating a shot a few weeks ago, where the Director was directing a child actress while we were shooting (it was MOS). We were in a hurry to finish the coverage on this scene. He was telling the actress what to do while we were rolling -- "directing on film" The shot was of her cutting and pasting a picture on top of a dollar bill, and doing other sorts of "graphic design" stuff. Here's how the direction went: Director to actress: "OK, pick up the magic marker and colour it in somewhat... good... hold it a little higher so we can see it... good. Now get the scissors and start working with them. A little faster. Good. And cut. Now..." I cut the camera! Just as the mirror shutter stopped, I saw the scissors
in the viewfinder, and my error dawned upon me. The director was still
staring at the video monitor without the benefit of shutter flicker,
and asked, "What happened?" Mark Doering-Powell / markdp@mail.anet.net
On another show, I had the camera armed out over a pool table, and the dolly grip (not looking as he was trying to move the dolly) boomed the camera down into the expensive tabletop and crushed the assistant's front box (which the production tried to refuse to replace). Ahh, the joys of low budget film making... David Mullen / davidm2@earthlink.net
This is an actual message, posted on alt.movies.independent in Nov. '98 Subject: IN SEARCH OF PEOPLE We are trying to assemble a low budget independent film, and need the following: 1) Sound Editors/F/Xs All of the tech crew must be able to act, and all of the actors must be able to do tech. Payment comes in the form of even cut of the earnings. Sound F/Xs do not have to be able to act, and the position may already be filled. We already have one actress, a director, assistant director, cinematographer, producer (me), and writer. Stage acting experience preferred. People who can bring their own camera strongly preferred. Probably lodging will be camping out in the Mojave desert for the duration of the film. This will not be great fun, but is a chance to put something on your resume.
Dear Ann Landers, I am a freelance spark. My parents live in the suburb of Seatoun and one of my sisters, who lives in Palmerston North, is married to an Australian. My Father and Mother have recently been arrested for growing and selling marijuana and are currently dependent on my two sisters, who are prostitutes in Auckland. I have two brothers, one who is currently serving a non parole life sentence in Mt. Eden Prison, Auckland, for the rape & murder of a teenage boy in 1994, the other currently being held in the Wellington remand centre on charges of incest with his three children. I have recently become engaged to marry a former Thai prostitute who lives in Christchurch and indeed is still a part time "working girl" in a Brothel, however, her time there is limited as she has recently been infected. We intend to marry as soon as possible and are currently looking into the possibility of opening our own brothel with my fiancee utilizing her knowledge of the industry working as the manager. I am hoping my two sisters would be interested in joining our team. Although I would prefer them not to prostitute themselves, at least it would get them off the streets and hopefully the heroin. My problem is this: I love my fiancee and look forward to bringing her into the family and of course I want to be totally honest with her. Should I tell her about my brother-in-law being a producer?
The silliest thing I ever saw was when a military captain in Ghana demanded to inspect our exposed film to see if his picture was on it. We discreetly exchanged a short end for the exposed stock. Needless to say, he didn't get to see himself and we didn't open our exposed footage. The story actually goes further when the captain can't see his image on the unexposed negative and he gets suspicious and wants to haul us down to the station. On route we encounter his superior who overrides the captain and returns us to our location. Well, it turns out that the new soldier just wants to be in the film. So he watches us and every time we roll he steps uninvited in front of the camera and addresses the audience on his love of cinema and American culture. He was so intrusive yet he saved us from an uncertain mess that we appeased him by faking a scene for him to be in while he went off on his pontifications. At least we didn't get arrested! Jim
On a night exterior the sound recordist goes out for a pee into the woods. The moment he has his pants down, the AD shouts "Silence, going for a take - Roll sound!" The poor sound guy came running like we have never seen anyone from the sound department running. (He didn't laugh as hard as we did...) Mart Weiss
Once, we were shooting on Canal Street in New York, a crowded, noisy, industrial part of town that specializes in hardware and electronic shops. A Production Assistant was sitting on the tailgate of our van, while we were setting up a shot across the street. The grip yelled to him: "Get me a sheet of Foam Core!" The kid gave us a thumbs up, then took off down the street. We looked at each other in confusion, then the grip walked across the street and extracted the piece of 4ft square reflector board from the van and commenced to setting it up on a century stand. Ten minutes later, the kid returned, all sweaty and out of breath, yet proudly holding out a paper bag. In it, along with a receipt, was a sheath of phone cord. We didn't have the heart to tell him. (The Producer even reimbursed him!) Joe "Walkie-talkies are a great invention"
Di Gennaro
Recently, at a meeting of the camera section of the BECTU, one DP told me the following story: He was shooting a film with an Italian director in Australia. One
day this director came up and asked him "Shoot-e se lens cap-e" (to
be read with an Italian accent.) Mart Weiss
This is a special calendar for handling Hollywood production work.
But it can easily be alterated for use on productions around the globe.
1. All rush shots are wanted yesterday. With this calendar a shot can be ordered on the 7th and delivered on the 3rd. 2. Most shots are required by Friday, so there are three Fridays in every week. 3. A handy "Judgement Day" has been added right after the three Fridays, as an extra incentive to assure the work WILL be deliverd THAT Friday. 4. There are five new days added to each month to allow for end-of-the-month panic jobs and added shots. 5. There is no 1st of the month - thus avoiding late delivery of the previous month's last-minute panic shots. 6. Monday morning hangovers are abolished all together with the removal of non-productive Saturdays and Sundays. 7. A new day - Negotiation Day - has been introduced keeping the other days free for uninterrupted panic. 8. We encourage all producers to move payday to Monday.
A teamster at Universal studios had a heart attack and the Medics had to wake up 14 drivers until they found the right guy. Jerry Wolfe
There was a fire on a boat at sea while a film was being shot. As a line was being formed for the life boat, the production manager said in a loud voice: "Crew first". A writer and producer were in line, the Writer said "Fuck the crew", the producer said "I don't think this is the time or place, and besides, I've already done that". Jerry Wolfe
In the beginning God created the DP. I just finished a television commercial with radio talent and had forgotten what strange nomenclature we use in our work that makes no sense to outsiders and needed to be explained. Baby legs, standards, heads, etc. (Even the most simplistic.) This experience reminded me of the DP moving through customs at Heathrow and upon seeing a friend stated, "I'm on my way to Israel to shoot a pilot." Needless to say, the interrogation room wasn't very comfortable! Kent Hughes
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