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Family-friendly
Jokes
"Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they wrote in hydraulics." "Queen Victoria sat on a thorn for 63 years." "A myth is a female moth." "Magna Carta provided that no man should be hanged twice for the same offence." "Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf - he was so deaf he wrote lound music." "In midevil times most people were alliterate." "The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire is in the East and the sun sets in the West." "In the Olympic Games, Greeks hurled the biscuits and threw the java." "Gravity was invented by Isaac Walton - it is chiefly noticeable in the autumn when apples are falling off the trees." "Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock - after his death his career suffered a dramatic decline." "Queen Elizabeth was the Virgin Queen. When she exposed herself before her troops they shouted 'Hurrah'." Stuff kids say... - The future of "I give" is "I take." - The parts of speech are lungs and air. - The inhabitants of Moscow are called Mosquitoes. - A census taker is a man who goes from house to house increasing the population. - Water is composed of two gins. Oxygin and hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water. - (Define H2O and CO2.) H2O is hot water and CO2 is cold water. - A virgin forest is a forest where the hand of man has never set foot. - The general direction of the Alps is straight up. - The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 opossums. - The spinal column is a long bunch of bones. The head sits on the top and you sit on the bottom. - We do not raise silk worms in the United States, because we get our silk from rayon. He is a larger worm and gives more silk. - One of the main causes of dust is janitors. - A scout obeys all to whom obedience is due and respects all duly constipated authorities. - To prevent head colds, use an agonizer to spray into the nose until it drips into the throat. - The four seasons are salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar. - The climate is hottest next to the Creator. - Oliver Cromwell had a large red nose, but under it were deeply religious feelings. - The word trousers is an uncommon noun because it is singular at the top and plural at the bottom. - Syntax is all the money collected at the church from sinners. - The blood circulates through the body by flowing down one leg and up the other. - Iron was discovered because someone smelt it. - In the middle of the 18th century, all the morons moved to Utah. - A person should take a bath once in the summer, not so often in the winter. Webmaster@Jokes.cc
A minister told his congregation, "Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying. To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17." The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the minister asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know how many had read Mark 17. Every hand went up. The minister smiled and said, "Mark has only sixteen chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying."
How does a spoiled rich girl change a light bulb? - She says, "Daddy, I want a new apartment."
A first grade teacher collected old, well known proverbs. She gave each kid in her class the first half of a proverb, and had them come up with the rest. As You Shall Make Your Bed So Shall You... Mess It Up. Better Be Safe Than... Punch A 5th Grader. Strike While The... Bug Is Close. It's Always Darkest Before... Daylight Savings Time. Never Under Estimate The Power Of... Termites. You Can Lead A Horse To Water But.. How? Don't Bite The Hand That... Looks Dirty. No News Is... Impossible. A Miss Is As Good As A... Mr. You Can't Teach An Old Dog New... Math. If You Lie Down With The Dogs, You'll... Stink In The Morning. Love All, Trust.. Me The Pen Is Mightier Than The... Pigs. An Idle Mind Is... The Best Way To Relax. Where There's Smoke, There's... Pollution. Happy The Bride Who... Gets All The Presents! A Penny Saved Is... Not Much. Two's Company, Three's... The Musketeers. Don't Put Off Tomorrow What... You Put On To Go To Bed. Laugh And The Whole World Laughs With You, Cry And... You Have To Blow Your Nose. None Are So Blind As... Helen Keller. Children Should Be Seen And Not... Spanked Or Grounded. If At First You Don't Succeed... Get New Batteries. You Get Out Of Something What You... See Pictured On The Box. When The Blind Leadeth The Blind... Get Out Of The Way. There Is No Fool Like... Aunt Eddie.
The passengers on a plane have been seated and are awaiting the cockpit crew to get them o the way. A murmur is heard in the back of the plane, and a few passengers on the aisle glance back to see the pilot and co-pilot, both wearing large, dark sunglasses, making their way up to the cockpit. However, the pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right & left as he stumbles down the aisle, and the co-pilot is using a seeing-eye guide dog. As they pass by the rows of passengers there are nervous giggles heard, as people are thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke. But a few minutes after the cockpit door has closed behind them the engines start spooling up and the aeroplane taxis out to the runway. The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness, whispering among themselves and shifting uneasily or gripping the armrests more tightly. As the aeroplane starts accelerating rapidly, people begin panicking. Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and closer to the end of the runway, passengers become more and more hysterical! Finally, when the air plane has less only a few seconds of runway left, the shouts of horror fill the cabin as everyone screams at once, but at the very last moment the aeroplane lifts off and is airborne! Up in the cockpit, the co-pilot breathes a sigh of relief and turns to the Captain: "You know, one of these days the passengers are going to scream too late, and we're gonna get killed!"
"The Law of Volunteering" "The Law of Avoiding Oversell" "The Law of Common Sense" "The Law of Reality" "The Law of Self Sacrifice "The Law of Motivation" "Weiler's Law" "Law of Probable Dispersal" "Law of Volunteer Labour" "Conway's Law" Mark Moshe Kaye
Q: Why do elephants have flat feet? A: To stamp out flaming ducks.
Should you drink the water in authentic Mexican restaurants ? Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it? Who is general failure and why is he reading my disk? If the no. 2 pencil is so popular, why is it still no. 2. If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry? The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once. Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do orientals throw hamburgers? Why is a carrot more orange than an orange? How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him? Why is lemon juice mostly artificial ingredients but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?
If Kitty Carlisle married Conway Twitty, If Yoko Ono married Sonny Bono, If Dolly Parton married Salvador Dali, If Bo Derek married Don Ho, If Oprah Winfrey married Depak Chopra, If Cat Stevens married Snoop Doggy Dogg, If Olivia Newton-John married Wayne Newton, If JFK Jr married Elton John If Sondra Locke married Elliott Ness, If Bea Arthur married Sting, If Liv Ullman married Judge Lance Ito, If Snoop Doggy Dogg married Winnie the Pooh, How about a baseball marriage? If G. Gordon Liddy married Boutros-Boutros Ghali, Nog (Quark's brother on "Star Trek: Deep Space Nine") If Shirley Jones married Tom Ewell, then Johnny Rotten, If Jack Handy (SNL writer) married Andy Capp, If Javier Lopez married Keiko the whale, If Ivana Trump married, in succession, Orson Bean (actor), If Woody Allen married Natalie Wood, If Dolly Parton married Tommy Smothers,
An Air Force Cpt. and an Army Cpt. were sitting next to each other on an aeroplane. The Air Force Cpt. leans over to the Army Cpt. and asks if he wants to play a fun game. The Army Cpt. just wants to sleep, so he politely declines, turns away and tries to sleep. The Air Force Cpt. persists and explains that it is a really easy game. He says, "I ask a question and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5. Then you ask me a question, and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you $5." Again, the Army Cpt. politely declines and tried to sleep. The Air Force Cpt., now somewhat agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I pay you $50!" Now, that got the Army Cpt.'s attention, so he agrees to the game. The Air Force Cpt. asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The Army Cpt. doesn't say a word, but reaches for his wallet instead and hands the Air Force Cpt. $5. Now it is the Army Cpt.'s turn. He asks the Air Force Cpt., "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down on four?" The Air Force Cpt. looks at him with a puzzled expression, takes out his notebook computer, looks through all his references, and after about half an hour, wakes the Army Cpt. and hands the Army Cpt. $50. The Army Cpt. politely takes the $50, turns away and tries to return to sleep. The Air force Cpt., a little miffed, asks, "Well, what's the answer to the question?" Without a word, the Army Cpt. reaches into his wallet, hands $5 to the Air Force Cpt., turns away and returns to sleep. Andychap@aol.com
Whenever your kids are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to his kids. After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve. And the first thing God said to them was: "Don't." "Don't what?" Adam asked. "Don't eat the forbidden fruit", said God. "Forbidden fruit? Really? Where is it?" Adam and Eve asked, jumping up and down excitedly. "It's over there," said God, wondering why he hadn't stopped after making the elephants. A few minutes later God saw the kids having an apple break and he was very angry. "Didn't I tell you not to eat that fruit?" the First Parent asked. "Uh huh," Adam replied. "Then why did you do it?" God asked exasperatedly. "I dunno," Adam answered. God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own. Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed. But there is a reassurance In this story. If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give your children wisdom and they haven't taken it, don't be so hard on yourself. If God had trouble handling his children, what makes you think it should be a piece of cake for you?
One year there were these two guys majoring in Chemistry and who did very well on all of the quizzes, midterms and labs, etc., such that going into the final they had a solid A. These two friends were so confident going into the final that the weekend before finals week (even though the Chem final was on Monday), they decided to go up to Montreal and party with some friends. So they did. And they had a GREAT time! However, with their hangovers, they overslept and didn't make it back to campus until early Monday morning. Rather than taking the final then, what they did was to find the professor after the final and explain to him why they missed it. They told him that they went up to Montreal for the weekend, and had planned to come back in time to study, but that they had a flat tire on the way back and didn't have a spare and couldn't get help for a long time and ,therefore, were late getting back to campus. The professor thought this over and then agreed that they could make up the final on the following day. The two guys were elated and relieved. So, they studied that night and went in the next day at the scheduled time. The professor placed them in separate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet and told them to begin. Each student looked at the first problem, which was something simple about molarity and the solution was worth 5 points. "Cool", they thought, "this is going to be easy." They finished that problem and went on to the next. As they turned the page, they were unprepared, however, for what they saw. It said: (95 points) Which tire?
A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink. "Why of course," comes the reply. The first man then asks: "Where are you from?" "I'm from Ireland," replies the second man. The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland." "Of Course," replies the second man. Curious, the first man then asks: "Where in Ireland are you from?" "Dublin," comes the reply. "I can't believe it," says the first man. "I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin." "Of course," replies the second man. Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: "What school did you go to?" "Saint Mary's," replies the second man. "I graduated in '62." "This is unbelievable!" the first man says. "I went to Saint Mary's and I graduated in '62, too!" About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. "What's been going on?" he asks the bartender. "Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The O'Malley twins are drunk again."
A managed care company president was given a ticket for a performance of Schubert's Unfinished Symphony. Since she was unable to go, she gave the ticket to one of her managed care reviewers. The next morning she asked him how he had enjoyed it. Instead of a few observations about the symphony in general, she was handed a formal memorandum which read as follows: 1. For a considerable period, the oboe players had nothing to do. Their number should be reduced, and their work spread over the whole orchestra, avoiding peaks of inactivity. 2. All 12 violins were playing identical notes. This seems an unneeded duplication, and the staff of this section should be cut. If a volume of sound is really required, this could be accomplished with the use of an amplifier. 3. Much effort was involved in playing the 16th notes. This appears to be an excessive refinement, and it is recommended that all notes be rounded up to the nearest 8th note. If this were done it would be possible to use paraprofessionals instead of experienced musicians. 4. No useful purpose is served by repeating with horns the passage that has already been handled by the strings. If all such redundant passages were eliminated then the concert could be reduced from two hours to twenty minutes. 5. The symphony had two movements. If Mr. Schubert didn't achieve his musical goals by the end of the first movement, then he should have stopped there. The second movement is unnecessary and should be cut. In light of the above, one can only conclude that had Mr. Schubert given attention to these matters, he probably would have had time to finish the symphony.
A professor was giving a big test one day to his students. He handed out all of the tests and went back to his desk to wait. Once the test was over the students all handed the tests back in. The professor noticed that one of the students had attached a $100 bill to his test with a note saying "A dollar per point." The next class the professor handed the tests back out. This student got back his test and $64 change.
Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive? Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds? Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations? If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors? If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan? Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo? Why do noses run and feet smell? How is it that a building burns up as it burns down?
Aries: Just one. You want to make something of it? Taurus: One, but just *try* to convince them that the burned-out one is useless and should be thrown away. Gemini: Two, but the job never gets done -- they just keep arguing about who is supposed to do it and how it's supposed to be done! Cancer: Just one. But it takes a therapist three years to help them through the grief process. Leo: Leos don't change light bulbs, although sometimes their agent will get a Virgo in to do the job for them while they're out. Virgo: Approximately 1.000000 with an error of +/- 1 millionth. Libra: Er, two. Or maybe one. No -- on second thought, make that two. Is that OK with you? Scorpio: That secret information can only be shared only with the Enlightened Ones in the Star Chamber of the Ancient Hierarchical Order. Sagittarius: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned-out light bulb? Capricorn: I don't waste my time with these childish jokes. Aquarius: Well, you have to remember that everything is energy, so..... Pisces: Light bulb? What light bulb?
I was flying from San Francisco to Los Angeles. By the time we took off, there had been a 45-minute delay and everybody on board was ticked. Unexpectedly, we stopped in Sacramento on the way. The flight attendant explained that there would be another 45-minute delay, and if we wanted to get off the aircraft, we would reboard in 30 minutes. Everybody got off the plane except one gentleman who was blind. I noticed him as I walked by and could tell he had flown before because his Seeing Eye dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of him throughout the entire flight. I could also tell he had flown this very flight before because the pilot approached him and, calling him by name, said, "Keith, we're in Sacramento for almost an hour. Would you like to get off and stretch your legs?" Keith replied, "No thanks, but maybe my dog would like to stretch his legs." Picture this: All the people in the gate area came to a completely quiet standstill when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane with the Seeing Eye dog! The pilot was even wearing sunglasses. People scattered. They not only tried to change planes, they also were trying to change airlines!
From an actual newspaper contest where entrants age 4 to 15 were asked to imitate "Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey." My young brother asked me what happens after we die. I told him we get buried under a bunch of dirt and worms eat our bodies. I guess I should have told him the truth--that most of us go to Hell and burn eternally--but I didn't want to upset him. --Age 10 I once heard the voice of God. It said "Vrrrrmmmmm." Unless it was just a lawn mower. --Age 11 I don't know about you, but I enjoy watching paint dry. I imagine that the wet paint is a big freshwater lake that is the only source of water for some tiny cities by the lake. As the lake gets drier, the population gets more desperate, and sometimes there are water riots. Once there was a big fire and everyone died. --Age 13 I believe you should live each day as if it is your last, which is why I don't have any clean laundry because, come on, who wants to wash clothes on the last day of their life? --Age 15 It sure would be nice if we got a day off for the president's birthday, like they do for the queen. Of course, then we would have a lot of people voting for a candidate born on July 3 or December 26, just for the long weekends. --Age 8 As you make your way through this hectic world of ours, set aside a few minutes each day. At the end of the year, you'll have a couple of days saved up. --Age 7 Home is where the house is. --Age 6 Often, when I am reading a good book, I stop and thank my teacher. That is, I used to, until she got an unlisted number. --Age 15 It would be terrible if the Red Cross Bloodmobile got into an accident. No, wait. That would be good because if anyone needed it, the blood would be right there. --Age 5 Give me the strength to change the things I can, the grace to accept the things I cannot, and a great big bag of money. --Age 13 Think of the biggest number you can. Now add five. Then, imagine if you had that many Twinkies. Wow, that's five more than the biggest number you could come up with. --Age 6 The only stupid question is the one that is never asked, except maybe "Don't you think it is about time you audited my return?" or "Isn't it morally wrong to give me a warning when, in fact, I was speeding?" --Age 15 If we could just get everyone to close their eyes and visualize world peace for an hour, imagine how serene and quiet it would be until the looting started. --Age 15
A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by sying, "Everyone who thinks you're stupid, stand up!" After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?" "No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!" |
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